I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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