I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
