I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
