I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
