My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
