We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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