I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
