Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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