You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
