I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
