haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
