One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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