i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
