At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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