just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need moral support for this bender
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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