If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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