You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
