if only i could text you this smell
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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