turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
