I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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