I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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