Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
