am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
