i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
