Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize