did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
