I think I died a long time ago.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
