dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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