I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
