Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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