I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
