How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
