I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
