the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
