The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
