There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
