o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
