I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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