Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
