For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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