so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
