someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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