I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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