It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
