I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
