Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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