do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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