I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
