I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
