Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
