Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
