i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
