the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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