I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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