This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
