I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
