At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
