Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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