I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If that was your dad, he is hot
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize