You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
