what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
