sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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