I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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