We got so high we made milksteak
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
