I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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