i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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