I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
