My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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