fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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