Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
