I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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