tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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