I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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